Sunday, December 30, 2012

Happy New Year, Happy New Life

Well, as the New Year is coming, it is time to reflect on what 2012 has brought to us.
Here is my list:
1. I fell in love. Painful love though, sometimes I am grateful for it.
2. I met the relatives my family had lost touch with for about 50 years.
3. I met my brother. I never knew him but he loves me. I love him for loving me and just being my brother.
4. I found a new friend. Well, I can't say she is my best friend but I can tell her things I would never even tell my mom. I know a few people I can trust on the Internet, but now there is someone like that in real life. That's a great accomplishment for me since I am not an open person.
5. I found a job.
Of course, there are also some painful memories, but I just don't wanna think about them now.
You, too, better not think about bad things as you step into a new year and a new life.
Happy New Year! May it bring you happiness.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Yesterday I found out I may never have children.
Do you know what it is like for a girl to learn she may never be able to get pregnant?
That is the end of the world.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

2 часа ночи. Куча домашней работы, которая мне так осточертела, что сил нет.
Всю эту неделю я только и делала, что искала кое-что (пока не буду говорить, что) для себя и своих подруг, но я не вижу помощи с их стороны. Понимаю, если бы это надо было только мне, но ведь это не так. Кроме того, поиски пока безуспешны.
А еще я простудилась.
В общем, в последнее время у меня дерьмовое настроение.

Но затем я вспоминаю, что, как говорят, кто ищет - тот всегда найдет. Буду искать. Буду стараться. Найду. Сделаю домашнюю работу. Получу хорошую оценку. Сдам сессию. И, черт возьми, хватит ныть, скоро Новый Год! Праздник, семья, хорошее настроение, гирлянды, фейерверки, надежды, желания, планы.

Такая она, жизнь, у нее две стороны.

Мне страшно, но не терпится.
Мне плохо, но завтра будет лучше.
Я устала, но я отосплюсь.

Спокойной ночи.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Random thoughts

1. Seems like I am the only one who needs this. I am the only one who is trying to do something. No one else cares.
2. My friends are stupid and narrow-minded.
3. My mother thinks she knows everything and is always right.
4. The guy I was in love with is the most arrogant person I've ever known. I always knew this, but it is only now that I realized it is disgusting.
5. Some people deserve to be shouted at.
6. I hate when my mother is staring at the screen while I'm typing this.
7. It's funny how the people you cared about are not that important to you anymore. Just because they don't care, either.
8. I am grateful to God for coming to these realizations.

Monday, December 17, 2012

This world is a dark place

People say God sometimes sends demons to the Earth. These demons look like ordinary people but they do horrible things. I am generally not a religious person but I cannot find another explanation for something like what happened in Newtown, Connecticut.
When you hear news about children dying you cannot help but cry. I wish I could find words to explain why this is happening, but I can't. These kids' parents... their lives will never be the same. Other people will go on enjoying this life, and these parents are forever frozen.
How come we can't even send our children to school without doubting their safety? How come so many lives must end just because one person wanted them to? There is no guarantee for anything. Feels like there are no answers to all these questions, either.
God sends demons to this Earth. God takes away angels.
The world is a dark, dark place without them.
Rest in peace, sweet little angels.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Happy birthday, sweet Valeria

On October 20th, 1993 the world welcomed one of its bright stars that shines wherever it is. Just ask me to find a defect about this star and you will get no answer. It is perfect.
The star's name is just as beautiful as it herself is - Valeria.
She lights up the night. She lights up my mood.
She has been shining for 19 years now. She will keep doing it for many years more.

Valeria, we never know what will happen in the future. Our ways may be different but the hearts never forget. You are etched in my heart forever.
Remember: beside me, there are a lot more people who are grateful to God for having you in their lives. The fact is, we all know we are just part of the 7 billion world population so we may think 'who cares? why do I care about this life that will mean nothing in years to come?' We should care. We should care about everyone and everything around us. Because there are some people who make our life much more important and interesting than we thought it was. You made so many days of my life interesting. For that I will always be grateful.

I wish you a happy birthday. I wish you a happy day. I wish you a happy life.
Love, A.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


My cousin once said "I've never met anyone who never regretted dropping out of piano lessons."
The biggest regret in my life is not continuing to take piano lessons.
I was really good at it. My teacher used to tell everyone that I was the best pupil he'd ever had.
But you see, it's rare that children want to do something for years. Kids are lazy. I am still very lazy, you can imagine what I was like as a kid.
I'm not a parent, but I know it's hard to see your child cry, see them exhausted, not wanting to do something anymore. Still, just force them to do it. They will thank you later.
I miss the sound of the piano. I miss my teacher. I miss, I miss, I regret.

Monday, September 3, 2012

To Evelyn on her 19th birthday

The other day I showed a picture of you to my mother. She said, 'That girl is smart. You can see it in her eyes.'
Undoubtedly, you are. You are smart, beautiful and kind. But you never show off because you are also humble. That is why I always said you deserve to be as happy as possible: you are a such a beautiful treasure in the box called life. In my life, and in the lives of your friends you are a treasure.
The treasure is now 19 years old, and it starts shining as bright as ever. The whole world is ready to embrace you, you're going to see a lot of wonders along the way, meet amazing people and make life-changing decisions. 19 is just the very beginning.
There are going to be some hardships as well, but when you are in trouble, when you feel like giving up, remember my words about you being one of the best people I've ever met. Remember that you are important to your friends and family. And when there is someone who loves and needs you, are there any hardships we wouldn't be able to handle? :)
Live, love, laugh, they say. Never cry too much, never complain too much. Strong people attract strong people. Help others, but, first and foremost, those close to you. Forgive and forget. Don't burden yourself with guilt. Never rush. Stop and listen to the birds sing, watch the stars shine and smell the roses. The world unfolding before you, is full of miracles.
And you are one of them.
Smart, beautiful and kind.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I'm here, I'm back

Well, I'm alive. I MADE IT lol

Almost got into an accident, though. Ugh those roads and drivers.

Missed my home but as I came back, I realized coming back home also means going back to my daily routine of doing nothing or doing something I don't like to do.

Oh this boring life of mine.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Prophetic dream?

Imagine you're going to go somewhere, say, to another town to visit your relatives, and you remember you had a dream the other day. You dreamed of someone telling you "Don't go there, it's dangerous." What would you think?
Car accident.
Coupled with the fact that just several days ago there was a terrible accident on that same road, in which 16 people were killed.

If I don't come back, you know what happened.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Damn, they're always right!

If your horoscope says you will have a shitty day, you will.
Even if the crappiest part begins at 10 pm.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Roni, you once said...

'Killing you is like killing myself. And I never thought of suiciding.'

You told me that when you were very angry about something and willing to kill everyone around you. I asked 'Even me?' and you replied with this. I can't even describe how I felt at that moment. Joy? Kind of, but how can I feel joy when you are sad? Surprise? Maybe, but then again, with this phrase you just confirmed the way we feel about each other. My twin. My reflection. My supporter.

What happened last summer was horrible. Unbearable for both of us. We felt the same, we forgave each other but what we also had in common was pride. However, we made it. You know why? Because there is that thin invisible thread connecting us. Our souls, thoughts and feelings.

I am sad sometimes. Sad and angry because bad things happen in my life. Relationships go wrong. I have no one but myself to blame. Sometimes it gets so unbearable that I just feel like weeping, crying out to God, asking 'Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Why am I who I am? What kind of life awaits me down the road, if I can't even fix anything right here and now? Who the hell will ever love me?'

Then you tell me something like that.
And I see all the answers.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


Больно, потому что я осознаю, что ничто уже не будет так, как раньше, но все еще верю. 
Больно, потому что ты учила меня не просить прощения, но я не следую твоему совету.
Больно, потому что я думала, это навсегда, а теперь всё это воспоминания.
Больно, потому что так у меня уже было, но я наступила на те же грабли.
Больно, потому что в моей жизни не было такого человека, как ты.
Больно, потому что никогда не будет.

My love for you is deeper than the ocean.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A very special birthday

I have a lot of favourite singers/bands. 
But there is one band that means to me more than any other one.
It is called Tokio Hotel.
Four guys that once took my breath away, captured my heart and never let it go.

Time goes by, you grow up. Your personality transforms. Your priorities and tastes change.
But every person you know, every situation you've had to go through, every movie you've seen and every song you've listened to each holds a place in your heart and in your mind.
The place these four guys hold in my life is bigger than that of other musicians.
It is not about their personalities, looks or even music.
It is about having something to support me while growing up and going through the teenage years.
It is them I sought every time I felt down.
It is them I listened to countless days and nights.
It is them I was so far away from, yet felt so much close to.

Seven years. Not too little, not too much. So much have been done, so much to look forward to. The transformation from sweet boys to mature guys. The switch from one style to another. 
I love them any time. All the time.

Friday, August 10, 2012

My poor teeth...

Me: I got one dental filling a week ago, going to get two more tomorrow.
Mom: Wow... how many teeth do you have??
Me: Uhm... 28.
Mom: *shocked face* So you're gonna get them ALL filled??

Oh, mom, sometimes I feel like I'll have to.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Sweet Zoe Jane...

Well, before you read this post, I suggest you listen to a wonderful song by Staind called 'Zoe Jane.'

Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
To know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound

I wanna hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I wanna show you
Show you all the things that this life has in 
Store for you
And I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter

When I woke up this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone


Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane

So I wanted to say this
'Cause I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been


Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane

Hearing things like 'A girl that grew up without a father will never succeed in life' makes me sick to my stomach. How can people say things like that? I know what it's like to grow up without a father figure, been there. It definitely affected me in ways nothing else did. But telling me I will never succeed in anything is just rude, don't you think? Anyway, this post is not about my success, it's about him, the Dad.
Yes, it is a painful topic for me. When I was a kid, I did not fully understand how I am different than other kids growing in a full happy family. When my mother asked me 'Aren't you hurt that you don't have a father and grandparents (they died before I was born)?' I said 'Of course not, mommy, you replace them all.' But as I grew up I realized that's not entirely true. It can't be. Not having that integral part of your family does affect you, whether you want it or not. I'm just not as confident as other girls whose fathers always support them and tell them they're beautiful, smart etc. Moreover, my dad has always kept in touch with his other children, which was kind of offensive: 'Am I worse than them? Why doesn't he care about me?'
However, my mother never sad a bad word about him. On the contrary, she used to tell me how it is all her fault that he left us. I don't know the details, and I don't want to blame her, nor do I want to blame him. Whatever other people and those psychologists may say, I love him. He is my father, my blood. I want to give him a chance. He hasn't been a great dad to me, but I do want to be a great daughter.
That song, 'Zoe Jane', as you can see, is special to me. My father never said such words to me, but I wish that some day, he would explain to me what he had been through and where he had been.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Random quote

All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.

Joseph Campbell

Friday, August 3, 2012

She loves me the most

I often think of death. My own death, the deaths of my dear ones, of other people. Death is part of life. Too sad it's the final one.
But I have to admit I have never experienced it. Nor do I want to. However, one day I will have to go through this, I can't control it. The death I think about and fear the most is that of my mother. My dear mother who is everything to me, the only person I share this apartment with, the only person who loves and worries about me more than anyone else in this world. But am I doing my best to be the daughter she deserves?
I remember having an argument with her a couple of years ago, during which she, being completely angry with me, said 'You think you made me happy when you were born? No, you did not!' This was the only thing I remembered from that argument.
A few months ago, we argued again. In order to hurt her, I said 'You once told me I didn't make you happy when I was born!', and, feeling proud of myself leaving my mother speechless and ending the argument this way, therefore, winning it, I went to my room and shut the door. Turned out she did not remember those words. She was too angry to.
A week passed, and she had a conversation with me regarding that argument. She said she did not realize what she was saying and she was so sorry for hurting me. She'd been thinking about it and feeling bad the whole week. What she also said was, 'If only you knew that everytime I wake up, my first thought is 'God, I am so grateful for sending her to me.'
That was when I realized how much she loves me.
That was when I started feeling so bad for not always living up to her expectations.
That was when I first thought that I might one day lose her, as I wrote above, the only person who loves and worries about me more than anyone else in this world.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Dear Evelyn...

When I ask you if something’s wrong and I hurt or offended you, you say it’s okay and you’ve forgotten everything and forgiven me a long time ago. Still, I got a feeling that something happened that drove a wedge between us. I haven’t forgotten. We don’t talk as much as we did last summer. Not because you and I are busy. No. Because there’s this huge space between us and I don’t know what to do to fill it up. To make it disappear.
I have lost some good friends in my life. I’ve lost them because I wasn’t good enough as a friend. I wasn’t attentive and caring as a true friend should be. But it’s not because I didn’t love them. Maybe it’s just hard for me to express my feelings the way people expect me to? Maybe I just take everything I have for granted? I may be a b*tch sometimes, I know that. But what I also know is that I love all my friends deeply. You are my friend and always will be. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want you to be nothing but a memory.
You may think I’m exaggerating and being pathetic when you read this post. Or you may think all of what I’ve just written is true. Whatever you may be thinking now as you read this, one fact will never change: I wish I were a better friend to you.
I’m sure there will be more posts about you in the future because I feel like I haven’t expressed all I feel in this one. Or maybe I’ll get to have a conversation with you that will last several hours, in which I’ll tell you everything J
Right now I’m listening to Plain White T’s. You know I love them. And you probably know that this song, as many other songs, reminds me of you (well, except for the last verse, maybe :p)

When the storm won't end
On your raging sea
When you've all but given up
Float back to me

When the waves come down
And your arms get weak
When you're tired of bailing out
Float back to me

‘Cause I can see sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home

When you're all alone
Stuck in the dark
When you've lost your way in life
I won't be far

When the seasons change
And you fall apart
When the winter chill is near
I won't be far

‘Cause I can see sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home

Can you hear me?
Come home
I need you near me
Come home

‘Cause I can see sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home

Well it's lonely now
In this hotel room
And these sheets are empty, love
Waiting for you

Love, A

Friday, July 27, 2012


I'm back :)
Been in some nice place for 5 days, and as nice as it was, I started missing my home on the 2nd day of my stay there.
Well, the first day was kind of terrible. I got a scald burn on my hand, not going to tell you how anyway, it's just because of my stupidity.
The subsequent 3 days were much better: walking, swimming, breathing the fresh air of the pinery, sunbathing. Ahh TAN. This is what I needed this year.
And the journey ended the way it started: terrible. I guess I ate some bad food and felt sick the whole day. There's nothing worse than feeling sick when you're away from home.
Now I'm here, I'm home, surfing the Internet, writing a post for my blog, breathing the stuffy air of my town, and you know what? I feel even greater than I did there.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

It's summer isn't it

Going to lie on the beach and finally get some tan.
Off for 5 days.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Jesus Will Meet You There

I am not a very religious person, I'm not a Christian, but this one got me.

When you think you’ve hit the bottom
And the bottom gives way
And you fall into a darkness
No words can explain
You don’t know how you’ll make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there

And when the doctor says “ I’m sorry, we don’t know what else to do”
And you’re looking at your family
Wondering how they’ll make it through
Whatever road this life takes you down
Jesus will meet you there

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cause He’s already been where you’re going
Jesus will meet you there

When the jury says “guilty”
And the prison doors close
The one you love says nothing
But just packs up and goes
The sunlight comes and your world’s still dark
Jesus will meet you there

When you failed again
And all the second chances have been used
And the heavy weight of guilt and shame
Is crushing down on you
And all you have us one last cry for help
Jesus will meet you there

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cause He’s already been where you’re going
When you realize the dreams you’ve had
For your child won’t come true
And when the phone rings
In the middle of the night with tragic news
Whatever valley you must walk through
Jesus will meet you there
He will meet you there
Jesus will meet you there

(c)Jesus Will Meet You There by Steven Curtis Chapman 

Home is where the heart is

Just the other day I saw a video of my hometown, I don't want to reveal its name now, sorry. Me and mom left this town when I was 6, because the town was literally dying. People kept leaving their houses, they didn't even sell them. Just left everything.
That was 12 years ago. I haven't been there since. Sometimes I do want to go there, walk down the streets that I knew so well when I was a little girl, visit my grandmother's grave. But then I think how hard it might be for me. I cried while watching this video. It captured the house we lived in, it's empty now. All houses are empty. There are no playgrounds, the streets are all empty. NO LIFE.
Still, I often find myself recalling all the good times I had there. You see, it's the town I was born in. The happiest years of my life were spent there. While its dwellers were desperately looking for a new place to call their home, this was my home. I never noticed anything bad happening around me while I was living there.
HOME. Four letters that mean so much to us. Maybe later, when I have a family of my own, I'll be able to say that my home is where my family is. But for now, it's the place where the sky, the air, the streets and the people are so dear to me. The place where the world and everything that surrounded me looked so wonderful.

Ах, как хочется вернуться, /Oh how I want to come back Ах, как хочется ворваться /Oh how I want to burst into В городок; /This town на нашу улицу в три дома, /To our street of three houses Где всё просто и знакомо, /Where everything is so simple and familiar на денёк! /Just for one day Где без спросу ходят в гости, /Where people visit each other without asking permission Где нет зависти и злости - /Where there's no envy and rage
Милый дом /Sweet home Где рождение справляют /Where they celebrate birthdays И навеки провожают /And the whole neighbourhood Всем двором. /Is seeing you off forever Время, время кружит в снеге, /Time is whirling in the snow И разъехались соседи /And the neighbours are all gone Кто куда. /Each their own way И, когда дома сносили, /And when the houses were being pulled down Мы с тобой, мой друг, шутили: /We, my friend, kept joking "не беда!" /"It's okay!" Раз в году письмо скупое - /One small letter per year Поздравленье с рождеством /One merry christmas И долгих лет - /And a wish Ровно в восемь тихих строчек, /Eight quiet lines И другой какой-то почерк: /And a different handwriting Всё, привет... /Well, hello...
Лишь во сне приходят лица, /I dream of these faces at night не узнать и половины - /And can only recognize a half of them Ярок свет! /The light's so bright Год прошёл. Почтовый ящик /A year has passed Открываю - две газеты, /I open the letterbox - two newspapers Писем нет. /And no letters.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Random thought: hobbies

Everytime I am asked 'What is your hobby?' I think to myself 'Oh please not that again' merely because I don't have any. Yeah I don't. 'Watching movies... Hanging out with friends...' I say, while thinking 'Who told you I am supposed to have a hobby? Who made that rule?' People can sense that and make that face as if to say 'Ugh is that all you do? Boring.'
But when I hear other people talk about their hobbies, it's always dancing, swimming, reading, 'Oh I learn 648645 languages all by myself', 'I play the piano', 'I do this, I do that...'
At times like these I wonder if I'm the only one in the world who doesn't know what to do in their spare time. Watching movies is not an option. Nor is hanging out with friends. For two simple reasons:
1. Everybody does that;
2. I don't have friends I enjoy constant hanging out with.
Fine. You're right. My life is boring. It's more boring than anyone else's. But having or not having any hobbies does not make me a less interesting person than you are.

Well... hello?

Hi everyone!
My name is... well, just call me A. 
I am 18 years old and as all 18-year-olds, I'm excited to explore new things on this wonderful journey called life. However, life can be sad sometimes... and I get very sensitive and emotional when something bad happens. So don't get surprised if I post some sad and depressing stuff here as well. I just need some place to pour out my feelings in.
I speak English and Russian so my posts will probably be written in both languages.
Well, that's pretty much it... 

P.S. Oh and as for the title of the blog... May I just keep the secret to myself? One day I'll reveal it to you. Maybe. If you care..