Monday, August 27, 2012

I'm here, I'm back

Well, I'm alive. I MADE IT lol

Almost got into an accident, though. Ugh those roads and drivers.

Missed my home but as I came back, I realized coming back home also means going back to my daily routine of doing nothing or doing something I don't like to do.

Oh this boring life of mine.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Prophetic dream?

Imagine you're going to go somewhere, say, to another town to visit your relatives, and you remember you had a dream the other day. You dreamed of someone telling you "Don't go there, it's dangerous." What would you think?
Right.
Car accident.
Coupled with the fact that just several days ago there was a terrible accident on that same road, in which 16 people were killed.

Shit.
If I don't come back, you know what happened.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Damn, they're always right!

If your horoscope says you will have a shitty day, you will.
Even if the crappiest part begins at 10 pm.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Roni, you once said...

'Killing you is like killing myself. And I never thought of suiciding.'

You told me that when you were very angry about something and willing to kill everyone around you. I asked 'Even me?' and you replied with this. I can't even describe how I felt at that moment. Joy? Kind of, but how can I feel joy when you are sad? Surprise? Maybe, but then again, with this phrase you just confirmed the way we feel about each other. My twin. My reflection. My supporter.

What happened last summer was horrible. Unbearable for both of us. We felt the same, we forgave each other but what we also had in common was pride. However, we made it. You know why? Because there is that thin invisible thread connecting us. Our souls, thoughts and feelings.

I am sad sometimes. Sad and angry because bad things happen in my life. Relationships go wrong. I have no one but myself to blame. Sometimes it gets so unbearable that I just feel like weeping, crying out to God, asking 'Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Why am I who I am? What kind of life awaits me down the road, if I can't even fix anything right here and now? Who the hell will ever love me?'

Then you tell me something like that.
And I see all the answers.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Больно


Больно, потому что я осознаю, что ничто уже не будет так, как раньше, но все еще верю. 
Больно, потому что ты учила меня не просить прощения, но я не следую твоему совету.
Больно, потому что я думала, это навсегда, а теперь всё это воспоминания.
Больно, потому что так у меня уже было, но я наступила на те же грабли.
Больно, потому что в моей жизни не было такого человека, как ты.
Больно, потому что никогда не будет.


My love for you is deeper than the ocean.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A very special birthday

I have a lot of favourite singers/bands. 
But there is one band that means to me more than any other one.
It is called Tokio Hotel.
Four guys that once took my breath away, captured my heart and never let it go.

Time goes by, you grow up. Your personality transforms. Your priorities and tastes change.
But every person you know, every situation you've had to go through, every movie you've seen and every song you've listened to each holds a place in your heart and in your mind.
The place these four guys hold in my life is bigger than that of other musicians.
It is not about their personalities, looks or even music.
It is about having something to support me while growing up and going through the teenage years.
It is them I sought every time I felt down.
It is them I listened to countless days and nights.
It is them I was so far away from, yet felt so much close to.

Seven years. Not too little, not too much. So much have been done, so much to look forward to. The transformation from sweet boys to mature guys. The switch from one style to another. 
I love them any time. All the time.


Friday, August 10, 2012

My poor teeth...

Me: I got one dental filling a week ago, going to get two more tomorrow.
Mom: Wow... how many teeth do you have??
Me: Uhm... 28.
Mom: *shocked face* So you're gonna get them ALL filled??

Oh, mom, sometimes I feel like I'll have to.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Sweet Zoe Jane...

Well, before you read this post, I suggest you listen to a wonderful song by Staind called 'Zoe Jane.'

Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
To know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound

[Chorus]
I wanna hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I wanna show you
Show you all the things that this life has in 
Store for you
And I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter

When I woke up this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone

[Chorus]

Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane

So I wanted to say this
'Cause I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been

[Chorus]

Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane


Hearing things like 'A girl that grew up without a father will never succeed in life' makes me sick to my stomach. How can people say things like that? I know what it's like to grow up without a father figure, been there. It definitely affected me in ways nothing else did. But telling me I will never succeed in anything is just rude, don't you think? Anyway, this post is not about my success, it's about him, the Dad.
Yes, it is a painful topic for me. When I was a kid, I did not fully understand how I am different than other kids growing in a full happy family. When my mother asked me 'Aren't you hurt that you don't have a father and grandparents (they died before I was born)?' I said 'Of course not, mommy, you replace them all.' But as I grew up I realized that's not entirely true. It can't be. Not having that integral part of your family does affect you, whether you want it or not. I'm just not as confident as other girls whose fathers always support them and tell them they're beautiful, smart etc. Moreover, my dad has always kept in touch with his other children, which was kind of offensive: 'Am I worse than them? Why doesn't he care about me?'
However, my mother never sad a bad word about him. On the contrary, she used to tell me how it is all her fault that he left us. I don't know the details, and I don't want to blame her, nor do I want to blame him. Whatever other people and those psychologists may say, I love him. He is my father, my blood. I want to give him a chance. He hasn't been a great dad to me, but I do want to be a great daughter.
That song, 'Zoe Jane', as you can see, is special to me. My father never said such words to me, but I wish that some day, he would explain to me what he had been through and where he had been.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Random quote

All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.

Joseph Campbell

Friday, August 3, 2012

She loves me the most

I often think of death. My own death, the deaths of my dear ones, of other people. Death is part of life. Too sad it's the final one.
But I have to admit I have never experienced it. Nor do I want to. However, one day I will have to go through this, I can't control it. The death I think about and fear the most is that of my mother. My dear mother who is everything to me, the only person I share this apartment with, the only person who loves and worries about me more than anyone else in this world. But am I doing my best to be the daughter she deserves?
I remember having an argument with her a couple of years ago, during which she, being completely angry with me, said 'You think you made me happy when you were born? No, you did not!' This was the only thing I remembered from that argument.
A few months ago, we argued again. In order to hurt her, I said 'You once told me I didn't make you happy when I was born!', and, feeling proud of myself leaving my mother speechless and ending the argument this way, therefore, winning it, I went to my room and shut the door. Turned out she did not remember those words. She was too angry to.
A week passed, and she had a conversation with me regarding that argument. She said she did not realize what she was saying and she was so sorry for hurting me. She'd been thinking about it and feeling bad the whole week. What she also said was, 'If only you knew that everytime I wake up, my first thought is 'God, I am so grateful for sending her to me.'
That was when I realized how much she loves me.
That was when I started feeling so bad for not always living up to her expectations.
That was when I first thought that I might one day lose her, as I wrote above, the only person who loves and worries about me more than anyone else in this world.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Dear Evelyn...


When I ask you if something’s wrong and I hurt or offended you, you say it’s okay and you’ve forgotten everything and forgiven me a long time ago. Still, I got a feeling that something happened that drove a wedge between us. I haven’t forgotten. We don’t talk as much as we did last summer. Not because you and I are busy. No. Because there’s this huge space between us and I don’t know what to do to fill it up. To make it disappear.
I have lost some good friends in my life. I’ve lost them because I wasn’t good enough as a friend. I wasn’t attentive and caring as a true friend should be. But it’s not because I didn’t love them. Maybe it’s just hard for me to express my feelings the way people expect me to? Maybe I just take everything I have for granted? I may be a b*tch sometimes, I know that. But what I also know is that I love all my friends deeply. You are my friend and always will be. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want you to be nothing but a memory.
You may think I’m exaggerating and being pathetic when you read this post. Or you may think all of what I’ve just written is true. Whatever you may be thinking now as you read this, one fact will never change: I wish I were a better friend to you.
I’m sure there will be more posts about you in the future because I feel like I haven’t expressed all I feel in this one. Or maybe I’ll get to have a conversation with you that will last several hours, in which I’ll tell you everything J
Right now I’m listening to Plain White T’s. You know I love them. And you probably know that this song, as many other songs, reminds me of you (well, except for the last verse, maybe :p)

When the storm won't end
On your raging sea
When you've all but given up
Float back to me

When the waves come down
And your arms get weak
When you're tired of bailing out
Float back to me

‘Cause I can see sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home
Sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home

When you're all alone
Stuck in the dark
When you've lost your way in life
I won't be far

When the seasons change
And you fall apart
When the winter chill is near
I won't be far

‘Cause I can see sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home
Sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home

Baby
Can you hear me?
Come home
Baby
I need you near me
Come home

‘Cause I can see sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home
Sunlight
Through my window
If you open your eyes you'll
Find your way back home

Well it's lonely now
In this hotel room
And these sheets are empty, love
Waiting for you


Love, A