Friday, August 3, 2012

She loves me the most

I often think of death. My own death, the deaths of my dear ones, of other people. Death is part of life. Too sad it's the final one.
But I have to admit I have never experienced it. Nor do I want to. However, one day I will have to go through this, I can't control it. The death I think about and fear the most is that of my mother. My dear mother who is everything to me, the only person I share this apartment with, the only person who loves and worries about me more than anyone else in this world. But am I doing my best to be the daughter she deserves?
I remember having an argument with her a couple of years ago, during which she, being completely angry with me, said 'You think you made me happy when you were born? No, you did not!' This was the only thing I remembered from that argument.
A few months ago, we argued again. In order to hurt her, I said 'You once told me I didn't make you happy when I was born!', and, feeling proud of myself leaving my mother speechless and ending the argument this way, therefore, winning it, I went to my room and shut the door. Turned out she did not remember those words. She was too angry to.
A week passed, and she had a conversation with me regarding that argument. She said she did not realize what she was saying and she was so sorry for hurting me. She'd been thinking about it and feeling bad the whole week. What she also said was, 'If only you knew that everytime I wake up, my first thought is 'God, I am so grateful for sending her to me.'
That was when I realized how much she loves me.
That was when I started feeling so bad for not always living up to her expectations.
That was when I first thought that I might one day lose her, as I wrote above, the only person who loves and worries about me more than anyone else in this world.

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