Monday, August 6, 2012

Sweet Zoe Jane...

Well, before you read this post, I suggest you listen to a wonderful song by Staind called 'Zoe Jane.'

Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
To know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound

[Chorus]
I wanna hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I wanna show you
Show you all the things that this life has in 
Store for you
And I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter

When I woke up this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone

[Chorus]

Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane

So I wanted to say this
'Cause I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been

[Chorus]

Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane


Hearing things like 'A girl that grew up without a father will never succeed in life' makes me sick to my stomach. How can people say things like that? I know what it's like to grow up without a father figure, been there. It definitely affected me in ways nothing else did. But telling me I will never succeed in anything is just rude, don't you think? Anyway, this post is not about my success, it's about him, the Dad.
Yes, it is a painful topic for me. When I was a kid, I did not fully understand how I am different than other kids growing in a full happy family. When my mother asked me 'Aren't you hurt that you don't have a father and grandparents (they died before I was born)?' I said 'Of course not, mommy, you replace them all.' But as I grew up I realized that's not entirely true. It can't be. Not having that integral part of your family does affect you, whether you want it or not. I'm just not as confident as other girls whose fathers always support them and tell them they're beautiful, smart etc. Moreover, my dad has always kept in touch with his other children, which was kind of offensive: 'Am I worse than them? Why doesn't he care about me?'
However, my mother never sad a bad word about him. On the contrary, she used to tell me how it is all her fault that he left us. I don't know the details, and I don't want to blame her, nor do I want to blame him. Whatever other people and those psychologists may say, I love him. He is my father, my blood. I want to give him a chance. He hasn't been a great dad to me, but I do want to be a great daughter.
That song, 'Zoe Jane', as you can see, is special to me. My father never said such words to me, but I wish that some day, he would explain to me what he had been through and where he had been.

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