Sunday, December 15, 2013

Thank you anyway.

i never loved you.
but i felt good when you were around.
i never loved you.
but you could make me smile.
i never loved you.
but you cared for me.
i never loved you.
but you never said no to me.
i never loved you.
but you were a friend to me.

i never loved you.
but you made me think i did.
those were great days. the days i spent with you.
i never loved you. you never loved me.
but thank you anyway.
thank you.

Monday, October 21, 2013

The fact of losing makes me mad

There is a huge disadvantage of being one of the best in your class: you cannot lose.
Not because other people would think you failed, but YOU just do not want to stoop so low.
Maybe I should just relax and forget about trying to satisfy my ego and desires.
On the other hand, I would regret it even more if I didn't try.
Wish I had enough luck to get what I wanted.
There's never enough of it.
Life is complicated. 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

For him

I'm not sure I'll write any posts this summer, so I have thought a lot on what the topic of this post should be.
I have a lot on my mind right now, and it is hard to bring everything together and write something good and meaningful.
Yet I decided to dedicate this post to the one who never left my mind and my heart this past year.
I do not want to reveal his name, although I know he'll never read my blog anyway.
Why do I want to write this post about him? Maybe it's because I know I will forget him soon and he will never bother me again. Maybe because my heart still aches every time I think of him.
These 15 months that he's been on my mind have been both happy and sad. That's what it's like when you love someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Happiness and sadness. Feeling both good and bad. It is such a pleasure to be in love, yet this love may hurt sometimes. That's what it's like in my case.
I thought it would work, but every time he put me down I felt like I did not deserve him at all. Now I've realized I was wrong. It is him who does not deserve me after all. I will not cry, I'll forget him and the feelings I had for him. I'll be strong.
Unrequited love teaches you some useful lessons, it sure does.
I just gotta thank him and the love I had for him for these lessons, for teaching me that I can be strong.
I just wish him and you all a nice summer.
Search for and find your love, your true love. May you never be blinded by what just seems like love.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mixed feelings

As my departure approaches, the feeling of excitement expands. I have no desire to study (nevermind the fact I never had it), and all my thoughts are focused on what this summer has in store for me. I thought everyone around me shared the same feeling with me.
I was mistaken.
The person that made me realize I was wrong is my mom. Today she revealed to me not being happy about my trip at all. She said she wasn't happy when my visa got approved. I understand why: she is a mother. She is worried. She has lots of fears. But boy did her words hurt.
I am excited, yet there is some fear. I am not afraid of travelling far away from home. I am afraid of leaving her alone.

Friday, April 26, 2013

No, it will never be dead

I just came back from the town my mother and I left 13 years ago.
I thought I would cry. I didn't. Well, of course, seeing the house you spent the happiest years of your life in in ruins makes you sad. But I was brave enough not to cry. It's just a house, I thought. And this is just a road. This is just a school. Oh, and here was a store. These are just buildings, nothing more. I expected to see everything destroyed.
Or maybe I just lied to myself, maybe I just did not want to see what I saw?
Anyway, when my cousin saw the pictures showing houses with no windows, all she said was 'The town is dead.' Come on, I know it looks horrible. But why did these words hurt?
Because in my heart and in my mind it is still alive. It will always be. When I stared at those empty buildings, I did not see just terrible and now dangerous places no one would like to see. I saw a town the residents of which were so happy; a prospering, growing town. A town I grew up in.
At that moment this town was the most sacred place for me. Sacred and alive, as ever.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Pathetic and embarrassed

That is how I feel. March 20 was one of the happiest days of my life, yet the days following March 20 have been one of the saddest. First came joy, excitement. Then it hit me: what I'd been looking forward to would never come true. Just because I am naive. He knows that, it makes him laugh and he doesn't care that is all I think about.
This war has been the most difficult experience in my life so far. My opponent is a smart person, probably much smarter and craftier than me. I've lost this war, I admit it. I've made mistakes.
However, this, too, will pass.
One day, I will experience joy again. One day, I will be loved by a better person. One day, he'll feel pathetic and embarrassed.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

عيد ميلاد سعيد!

March 6 is the beginning of spring. It is the day the snow melts, the sun shines brighter, the wind becomes warm.

But to me, all of the above is not as important as this: it is the day you were born. My sister, my soulmate, my friend. It may seem like I told you everything about my love for you, but no, words are never enough. In fact, words are not even needed, you know that.

Honey, I am so sorry for not being there for you right now. I apologize for making you miss me. I didn't want to. It's just that I am hella busy now and I feel huge pressure with the university, work, friends, plans, etc.

But no way I'm gonna ever forget about you.

I think of you every day. I pray for you every day. You are with me. I am with you. Always.

Be happy on your birthday, dear. Be happy every day of your life.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Unbearable

Unbearable.
This is the word I've heard so many times. This word refers to me.
'You are unbearable'.

I know I am.
I never said I was an ideal person. I'm just not any better or worse than you.

How often we just don't see what we are like. Look who's talking, I wanna say then. Look who is unbearable here.

But thank you, those dear to me, for believing in me. Thank you for all the support.
You couldn't have described me any better: unbearable.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Thinking of you

When I'm all alone
Or in a crowd
In a quiet place
Or where music's loud
If I'm on the road
Or in the other room
That's how you know
I'm thinking of you
When the flowers bloom
When the leaves turn brown
When the sun is hot
When the snow falls down down
When the clouds are grey
And the skies are blue
That's how you know
I'm thinking of you

I'm thinking of you
That's all I do, all the time
You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine
No matter where I go or what I do
I'm thinking of you

Can't remember now
Who I used to be
What I cared about
Before you came to me baby
Every selfish thought
All I thought I knew
Has been replaced
With thinking of you


I'm thinking of you
That's all I do, all the time
You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine
No matter where I go or what I do
I'm thinking of you
That's all I do, all the time
You're always the first and the last thing on this heart of mine
No matter where I go or what I do
I'm thinking of you
Always thinking of you
Yes I am

Monday, January 14, 2013

Happy 19th birthday to me

Turning 19 is just like turning 18, and turning 18 is just like turning 17 and so on...
I am still a baby.
A whiny baby.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I will love you forever

The other day my mom found her friend from university on the Internet. They talked about their groupmates and it turns out many of them died. They weren't too old. Some were killed, others' lives went downhill and they became drug addicts or alcoholics. And, of course, some are successful people now.
It made me think of my own fellow students. What are we going to become? In 30 years, what will we have to tell each other?

I had a best friend in the town I lived in 7 years ago. We were inseparable. Last month she was hit by a car, but, thank God, she didn't get serious injuries. Still, she had to stay in the hospital for a week. I was shocked when I learned about this. Somehow it felt like nothing bad could happen to those I love but it could. And you don't realize how dear a person is to you, until something serious happens to them.

My friends, my groupmates, my classmates and I - we will all go our separate ways but we are now part of each other's life forever.

P.S. Sweet Aida, I love you. I may not tell you this, I may not myself fully realize this, but I miss you each and every day. In thirty years, I will love you just as much as I do now.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Flashback

Три мальчика лет 10 прошли мимо меня. Они жевали жевательную резинку, не Орбит, не Дирол, а простую, которую все дети жуют.
Запах этой жевательной резинки вызвал у меня улыбку. Вспомнилось детство. Тот период, когда мне было 10 лет, когда у меня не было никаких забот, когда единственной проблемой был только выбор вкусностей в магазине. Какую жвачку купить? Или шоколадку? Альбени, Сникерс, КитКат... Сейчас в магазинах всё то же. Но ощущения уже не те.
Странно, такая мелочь. Мимо прошли мальчишки, а воспоминаний на весь день.